“OK guys let’s just jump right into it”

When I wake up in the morning
I start looking at my phone (though my wife don't like it)
Scrolling down that timeline
And it makes me feel eeeeuuuuooogh

I see annoying people everywhere
I don't know what they're doing hear
I think I've had enough
I think it's just time they…
GET STUFFED

If you take a selfie with your Bae

GET STUFFED

Instagram your breakfast every day

GET STUFFED

Selfie sticks
Instagram chicks
Un-solicited dick pics

Hastag blessed
Linkedin requests
Living the best life
Facebook event invites

Dogface Filter
Fake profiles on Tinder
Kendall Jenner
Attention-seeking behaviour

Click-bait
Fake news
Real News
Fake boobs
Fishing for attention on social media

Brexit
Breitbart
Airplane Farts
K Mart

Bottle Service
Snapchat
Air conditioning thermostat
Roaming Charges
Self-help gurus
UNBOXING YOUTUBERS

If you have emojis in your screen-name
If you invite me to your candy crush game

Ghost Producers
Social Media Influencers
Laptop DJS
Headbanging at raves
Rayban Spam
EDM Fans
Life Coach Gurus
Bottle Service Grey Goose

Put your hands in the air if you like festival breakdowns

GET STUFFED

If you’re DJing at Ultra & you shout “3-2-1 JUMP”
And you do the Heart Hands

If you play your music loudly out ya phone on public transport

GET STUFFED

If you go on constantly about how nandos is the pinnacle of chicken cookery

GET STUFFED

If you put a brass section and trumpets in your song
If you’ve got a generic douchebag haircut
Always messaging on tinder but you never give it up (oo woahawhaoh)
If you wear those pre-ripped black skinny jeans with slits on the knees
SLITS ON THE KNEES!

Katie Hopkins
Hairy Bikers
Vegans, Juice cleanse
Low cost airlines

Flakers, haters, online trolls
People that drop litter
Everyone on Twitter

Hedge fund managers on the guest list
Mumble rappers
Sparklers on bottles
LADBible Videos
People that say “LIT, and on fleek and Sick, and fam and bro!”
People that steal my parking space
people that go on about hot yoga all the time
Love Island
Antivaxxers
Game Of Thrones Spoilers
Restaurants that just microwave everything
(GET STUFFED)
Black Friday Sales
People that don’t reply to my emails
Moped Gangs
Hipster organic fair trade sustainable craft beer
People that cheat at call of duty
People that text during movies
Roadman Bags
People that always order complicated coffees
People that are always going on about Blockchain and cryptocurrencies
People that kick my seat for the whole flight
Pick up Artists
Trigger Warnings
Beards
High Blood Pressure
People that always go on about mindfulness and meditating
Wasps, I hate wasps.

“Ok guys thanks for listening, don’t forget to SMASH that like button it really helps our brand, I mean band. I’ll see you tomorrow when I upload fifty thousand videos”